263. The 90-Day Identity Rebuild: Nervous System, Self-Trust & Bold Action With Sass Schaeffer

What happens when life doesn’t just fall apart once, but twice?

In this episode of the Embodied Writing Warrior podcast, I’m joined by Sass Schaeffer, registered dietician, certified personal trainer, mindset coach, and host of Practice Your Positive Daily. Sass shares the story of being laid off and having her house flood in the same year, then experiencing both all over again less than a year later.

But instead of simply rebuilding the same life, Sass took the second collapse as an invitation to rebuild herself.

We talk about the difference between healing and true identity reconstruction, why so many high-performing women get stuck in survival mode, and how to begin creating a new version of yourself through nervous system regulation, self-trust, and bold embodied action.

This conversation is especially powerful for women in midlife, women navigating unexpected life changes, and anyone who feels like they’ve outgrown the old life but doesn’t quite know who they’re becoming yet.

Inside this episode, we explore:

Why rebuilding your life is different from rebuilding your identity

How survival mode blocks creativity, clarity, and future vision

Why self-trust begins with small decisions

The role of bold action in anchoring your next identity

Why the messy middle is where so many women quit

How action creates clarity, especially when you’ve been overthinking

The power of choosing a theme song to embody your next self

This episode is a beautiful reminder that when the old structure falls apart, you don’t have to rush to put the same pieces back in the same places. You get to ask who you’re becoming now.

Links Mentioned:

• Connect With Sass on Instagram
• Sass's Website
• Get Your Free Gift: Know Your Hungers Assessment

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Embodied Writing Warrior, a show for women who refuse to white metal wellness and crave food freedom built for real life, where your fire gets pained not dead. Fall in lust with your own momentum and enjoy pleasure-led creativity. Because healing was never meant to be a full-time job. I'm Kayla, writer and help coach God Rowe. Now let's make consistency feel like foreplay. Hello and welcome back to the Embodied Writing Warrior podcast. We have another beautiful guest joining us today, and this conversation is for you. If you ever had a season in life where change happened and it didn't just tap you on the shoulder, it kicked the door open and said, All right, we're about to do things radically different. So today I am joined by Sass Shaffer, who is a registered dietitian, certified personal trainer, mindset coach, and the host of the Practice Your Positive Daily podcast. Sass has a deeply powerful story about rebuilding her identity. After spending 15 years in corporate and building so much of her identity around achievement and titles and climbing the ladder, she was laid off and had her house flood in the same year. And then less than a year later, it happened again. Both things, the layoff and the flood. What she eventually realized was that maybe the invitation was not just to rebuild the house or the career or try to put the same life back together again in the exact same way. Maybe the invitation was to rebuild herself. So in this episode, we talk about the difference between healing and actually rebuilding your identity. We also talk about why many high-performing women get stuck in survival mode. And we riff a little bit on self-trust, which is one of my favorite topics, as you might have already guessed. If you're in a season where life has changed or something has ended, or an old identity just doesn't fit anymore, this episode is going to serve you so deeply. Let's get started. Hello, Sass, and welcome to the Embodied Writing Warrior podcast. Hi there. Hey, Kayla, welcome. Thank you. Thank you for being here. You work with high-performing women in a way that is so valuable and so important, especially as they reach a pivotal part in their lives. So, can you talk a little bit more about the work you do?

SPEAKER_00 2:57

Sure. So, really stemming from my own experience, I spent 15 years in corporate, really spent my time and wrapped in my identity and climbing the corporate ladder by titles, right? Growing my career. And then the universe has a way of kind of shaking your snow globe sometime. And I had that experience. And, you know, the first time I had gotten laid off and my house flooded in the same year. And I thought, nope, just go back, make everything the same. And I went back to corporate and I rebuilt the house. And less than a year later, I got laid off again and the house flooded again, both times worse than the first time. And so I really took that as a sign and an opening that the universe had created that happened in my life and took that as a pivotal time to do different, make a different decision. I went through that transformation. And then part of that, what I do now is help primarily women in their 40s and 50s who are having some sort of unexpected challenge, feeling like maybe they lost themselves, you know, that they're not quite sure what the next step is, guiding them through that. And it's just been it's been a great joy. And you know, it's beautiful to be witness to people in that kind of transformation.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Absolutely. So one of the things I love about this is that you had two very challenging things happen together more than once. And instead of going into a place of why is this happening to me? There was very much a okay, the universe is opening a new door. I'm gonna choose the meaning I assign to this. And that really took you to this beautiful work you do now. What I would love to know was there any challenges about having those things happen not once but twice, and then reaching that place of meaning that you've come to now?

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Oh, yeah, for sure. And I'll just be totally open and transparent that there were other times that I think the universe or life had shifted for me and opened a door, and I didn't hang in the saddle, right? I didn't do the deeper work. I just went right back, mostly in relationships, right? Something would end and I would just go right back and I would find myself in a very similar pattern, even though the details were different, the guy was different, but I was the same. And I had seen that a couple of times, and so I really felt like this was my time. You know, I had those talks with myself, and maybe you have too, or even like, all right, Sass, this is it. Like, we have to do the work, we have to figure this out to be truly happy. And, you know, the first time it really felt like a very lesson. You know, it was tied up with a neat bow, my house flooded. I went back to work, you know, a family member who I wasn't very close to showed up and rebuilt the whole house. It was like this miracle. And I thought, wow, that was great. I learned so much and patted myself on the back and thought, great, that's over. And then the second time when it happened and it was worse, you know, it wasn't that neat, tidy, happy ending story. It took longer. I was devastated, right? I had just spent all this time recreating my house essentially the way it was. And, you know, it was a little bit more of an unraveling. And, you know, to be honest, right? It was messy. It wasn't the hero's journey that you picture where, you know, every day I just woke up. I woke up pissed off, frankly, a lot of mornings, just angry that this had happened, angry that this was my lot in life, that I felt like I done everything right and still somehow it wasn't enough. And then it really wasn't until I took that kind of internalized, maybe like shame and accountability and redirected it toward, right? I'm not responsible for being here, but I am responsible for getting myself out. And, you know, it was a lot slower the second time, but it was deeper, right? That the work was deeper, the transformation was real and it stuck in different ways. You know, we could talk about a little bit that, but some of that has been gratitude, something that I didn't really feel grounded in before. But boy, howdy, you lose everything you own, and you will be thankful for a cup of tea every day because, you know, when you lose that much. So really some deeper lessons that maybe I really needed to learn that second time.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Absolutely. I know one of the things that you speak about is the difference between healing and actually going and rebuilding your identity. And it sounds like this second time was very much the latter. So can you speak a little bit more about the differences between those two?

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Yeah, for sure. I think right, a lot of times these things happen, you know, whether it's a layoff or a divorce. I'm sure not everybody has a natural disaster happened two years in a row, right? But these things happen and somewhere between perhaps a little bit of the shame or the fear or the worry or the right, how is this perceived by others? We just we hurry up and scuffle to put all the pieces back together, right? Just the way they were, right? The house of cards fell over. We just rebuild it. And I think there's a real value and humility that comes with when your life seems to fall apart. How can I pick up these pieces and reconfigure them in a different way? And, you know, that's maybe some of the deeper work that is harder to sit with. And that's why, right? Sometimes it's helpful to listen to podcasts or get with coaches or surround yourself with other women who have gone through this. And so you can kind of see that like you are able to come out of this with something different. And especially if you're going through these things at midlife in your 40s or 50s, maybe your children are getting old, you're in a different point in your career, really taking that as an opportunity, especially again as a woman who right, most of us we do for everybody else, right? We we take care of everybody else, taking this really as a time and a sign to really be honest with yourself about what you want, what you need, and where your time and energy are going, and see if it makes more sense to direct some of that back to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Absolutely. That's such a pivotal shift. And I love that you encourage people to get curious when things fall apart and things don't go according to plan because it does you always have this opportunity for authorship, and one story can be okay, everything's falling apart because life sucks, or everything's falling apart because I meant to re-examine it and maybe show up differently. So, can you share a little bit about what 90 days of real identity building actually looks like and not like the shiny one that you see on Instagram? Sure.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah, sure. So, right in 90 days, when I take women through the batty rebuild program, you know, so I'm grounded as a registered dietitian and certified personal trainer and mindset coach. So we really start with a physical body because so many of us, we just live in this absolutely inflamed fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode, right? Everything's urgent. I'm always late. I have to be productive, right? Totally in our minds. And when you're in that space, right, you're you're you're basically unplugged from rational thinking, right? Everything feels like an emergency. Have you ever lost your keys and then be like, I can't find them, I can't find them. And because you're so worked up, you literally can't find them. And maybe they're sitting right out in the open or in the jeans you wore yesterday. It's that same thing, but on the grander scale of our whole life. And so the very first step in 90 days is we gotta, we gotta tamp down your nervous system, right? We have to feel safe in the moment. We have to feel safe just being you without being productive, without being of value to other people. This includes getting your sleep straight, healthy food, reasonable movement, right? Really a physical foundation so that you can actually move from that survival into a space where you can create. Because if you're hearing this and you're like, oh my gosh, I can't recreate myself. I'm just trying to get through the day, right? Like I have no dreams. That's a sign that you are in survival mode. And I know it was for me, right? What am I gonna do in five years? I don't know. I'm just trying to get through dinner, right? Like I'm just trying to like not cry for the rest of the day. That's my goal. So the first beginning is we just get you out of that. And then the second step is really having women tap back into their own intuition. We are, we are, you know, so many of us are people pleasers, right? We we are so concerned around the comfort around others. And over time, we outsource all of our power and our decision to other people. And then you you don't trust yourself. I know that was for me. I had always, what do you want for dinner? What should we do? I don't know, what do you want? And at some point, then you stop listening to yourself. It's like having a radio station that's like not quite tuned in. So the next step is really like, you know, we'll trusting yourself in small decisions and what to buy and what to do and where to go, and really tapping back into what feels right for me, not what should I do, what what's the right thing to do, but like the truth that you you know in your heart. We all do. You know the truth. It's just tapping back in and being brave enough. And then lastly, I'm a big fan of going bold and doing something to anchor yourself to that new vision of yourself. So, right, we start with the old story, and then we want to cast a vision of like, okay, who do you want to be? And let's anchor your identity in a big move. Maybe this is doing stand-up comedy for the first time or changing your look and your style or going on an adventure by yourself or starting a podcast, right? Doing something that is big and public that really gets you out there and anchors you to that new identity, and then make sure that we have all of your behaviors moving toward that. And in 90 days, we can get pretty good, right? There's a little bit of a follow-up in the couple of months after we want to make sure we sit saying this. But in 90 days, moving through a physical foundation, tapping back into our own intuition and then making a bold move toward who we want to be. You know, uh, there's a lot of tears and some resistance, right? And that's just me. No, I'm kidding. That, you know, right? That's that's everybody. Um, but I think the work is really valuable and it's it's beautiful to see women in that kind of transition.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Absolutely. And I love the progression. So I move people through earth, which is basically that physical foundation, yeah, and then water, which is the feminine intuition, and then fire, which is the bold decisive action. I think that's such beautiful scaffolding. And I love that that's what you take your women through. So I would just love to hear from you. What are some of your favorite bold moves you've done as you've shifted identities over the years?

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Yeah, you know, it's funny how that changes, right? Because in the beginning, it seems like a bold move is like, right? Like I used to get dressed in a lot of like gray t-shirts and shorts, right? Kind of like the don't look at me, you know, uniform of a mom in her 40s, right? Like, I don't know, bike shorts, big t-shirt. And so at first it just felt bold to like wear bright pink. Like, what where am I going? This is crazy. Like, what am I doing? Right. And now it doesn't seem like a big deal to wear bright colors. But it's funny how there are these incremental steps of boldness, you know. So I mentioned stand-up comedy. That was something I'd always wanted to do. I thought maybe that would be like my dream profession. And I started doing it, right? And I realized it's kind of like having a crush. You ever ever crush on someone in your mind that's this big fantasy, they're perfect, and then you talk to them and you're like, oh, oh, never mind, right? And sometimes we need to do that, right? We need to kind of fact check, you know, I had this idea that, ooh, stand-up comedy, and I did it. And you know what? I liked it. I still do it for fun, but it's not for me. But I didn't know that, and I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't just tried it. And so, you know, some of those things, like right, reinventing kind of how I how I, you know, appear and doing stand-up comedy, starting businesses, you know, building in public. All of these things are kind of incremental steps that just keep getting me closer to my own, you know, my own future vision for SAS. As I hope, you know, everyone has a future vision for who they want to be. I think it's really powerful to tie ourselves to a future vision that we're running, that we're walking toward or running toward, as opposed to an old, an old version we're trying to run from. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

You touched on two epic things that I want to touch on. In the first is the fact that our capacity does build over time. And what feels like a big move once will not feel like a big move to the you two years from now as you grow. And then the other piece that I loved so much was that fiction creates clarity, was another big part of that that I heard is that sometimes you can love the idea of something more than you actually love the thing. So it sounds like so much of your work is giving women permission to try things without marrying them and to find out where they're really meant to be and what they're meant to be doing.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Yeah. And, you know, I think sometimes, and very speaking from experience, there's this perfectionist idea of like, oh, well, I'm gonna do this thing and then and then that's gonna work for me. And look, I always wanted to do this thing and now I'm doing this thing. And that's just not the reality, right? You talked about like not Instagram, you know, picturesque. Like it's the same thing, right? It is a discovery process, especially for women who have been outsourcing their opinions, have been squelching their needs, have been doing for everybody else. If you've been doing that for five, 10, 20, 30 years, some of the clients I work with, it takes time to peel back those layers. And then what feels bold one day won't feel bold in two years from now, which is another reason it's great to have these communities, these podcasts where you can see other women doing it at all stages of the path. Because I'm sure for you too, right? There's women I look at and I'm like, wow, you know, I aspire to that, but they've just been doing it longer. It's all these repetitions, right? These practices build on themselves. And, you know, it's a beautiful thing to kind of embrace that journey. And I know it sounds cliche, but it's so true when you're in it to embrace that and just let the path unfold ahead of you without perhaps the preconceived judgment or criticism, and just be open to where life takes you.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Absolutely. I think the repetitions over time is one of the most powerful things to keep in mind. And I know ironically, it can be one of the most challenging. People can get stuck in the messy middle, say month two, and that tends to be where the struggle happens. So, why do you think it is that a lot of women will quit right around that point?

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Yeah, I think it's twofold, right? So, one thing that was helpful for me was to realize there's an inborn resistance to change, right? We are creatures of homeostasis mentally, physically, right? Our brain wants to keep us safe. We want things to be familiar, right? You'd rather live with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. And so I think the first thing is just like recognizing that it's not you, it's not me. It's just, it's the shoe, it's just part of being human, right? We're gonna want that familiar. So knowing ahead of time, it's kind of like giving birth, right? Knowing ahead of time this is going to be painful. There are days you're not gonna want to do this, and then any forward action those days still counts. Just don't go backward. So I think that's one thing is just kind of setting up the expectation that, you know, there will be days of resistance, just like going to the gym, right? You don't have to be disciplined, you don't have to be motivated every day, but you do have to be disciplined to stick with it when you don't see the progress, right? When you're putting the work in and nothing feels like it's changing. And I'm sure you've experienced it too. A lot of these times it's like nothing, nothing, nothing, boom, a big change. And you just have to stick with it during those nothing times. Another half I would say, right, is we just go back to neuroscience. We have, you know, we're we are wired for these actions. You've been doing something one way for five, 10, 20 years. It's gonna take time to create a new neural pathway, right? It's like walking through tall grass. You've been walking one path, it's well worn, it's easy to go this way through the tall grass, right? There's gonna be sticks and you're gonna get, you know, it's gonna hurt, and it's gonna feel weird and it's gonna be uncomfortable. And that all we interpret that as danger, but really that's all just a sign of growth. And so I think those two expectations that like you're gonna want to quit sometimes, and that's just the way it is with working out or changing your identity or saving money or what have you, and that it just takes time to create this new path, you know. Usually, you know, usually just keeping, you know, reminding yourselves of those things can keep us on the path to be consistent through that messy middle.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

I think having those expectations right off the bat helps so much. So thank you for that. So, how does a woman know when she's finally starting to embody that identity that's been meant for her all along?

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Yeah, I think some of the signs I see in clients and I've seen in myself is, you know, it's almost like when you're speaking a foreign language, and at first you translate everything through, right? Have you ever speak another language, right? Well, yeah, me neither. But right, but there's that idea of like, okay, how would I say this and how would I say this in Spanish, right? We have to kind of wire, like follow it through our old system. And I think when I see women who are really in the embodiment practice, they kind of skip that, like, oh, should I say this? Is this the right thing? Is this even then you can be perfectionist about change, right? Oh, is this the new me? Is this the right thing to do? And when we tap into that self-trust and you just make the move, right? You set the boundary, you speak your truth, you, you know, you do what you want to do, not in a hurtful way, but in an unbothered way, right? My needs are important. I think when you when you when that's your first go-to, it can be so exciting and it's subtle. But once that's there without trying to like, okay, well, this is right because my coach said this and I'm supposed to do that, and you just make those moves and trust yourself, it's a beautiful thing. It's like when you first learn to ride a bicycle or something and you're suddenly you're coasting. It just it just feels so good and it's great to see.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Beautiful. So it's that move from conscious competence to unconscious competence where it becomes very natural.

SPEAKER_00 20:39

Yes, right. And that's like repetitions, like we were saying, that it's almost like right that same idea of muscle memory, right? If when you learn to dance or something, at some point, you know, you can carry in a conversation, you're not thinking about the footwork. And until it becomes that unconscious decision, you know, that's when you really know that you've you've hit the sweet spot that that you're in. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

So one thing I'd love for you to share is that you have your knowledge as a dietitian. You do a lot of mindset work. And one thing I love about your podcast, practice your positive daily, is that you don't leave it at the mindset piece. You turn the mindset piece into embodied action. So, what are some of your best practices for ensuring that the mindset work you do with your clients stays in the body and translates into their real life?

SPEAKER_00 21:31

Yeah, so I think, you know, again, right, like moving as a future version of yourself, right? Identity anchoring yourself in that new identity and moving through the world. And so, right, in the coaching program, we do spend time thinking about her almost as if uh, you know, an alter ego or right, your future self. And, you know, what does she wear? And sometimes that little bit of distance, right? Talking about ourselves in third person researchers actually gives us a little boost, right? Because we finally have a Little bit of objectivity, right? If you're kind of looking outside in, right? You're looking down at yourself and you're like, okay, if I were this character, if this person existed, like what would she do and how would she be? And that's it. It's really building, you know, so much of the work because it's easy to keep this in our heads and it feels safer if we're thinking about these things and doing these things, really building a daily practice, a weekly practice with clients for, you know, this is what you do. Here are your habits, here are your challenges, right? Making it fun, you know, having challenges and almost like a dare-like feel to things, but having, you know, a real set routine, just like we would as a fitness routine. And over time, right, we build that scaffolding of a schedule or of a routine. Over time, that just becomes who you are. But at first, we kind of need that external structure, especially a lot of the women I work with, they're like, just tell me what to do, I'll do it. Right. That idea of like, right, I'm super competent, I'm the boss everywhere, I'm always in charge. Like, please just just lead me to that. And, you know, placing that trust in me is is an honor, right? I'm sure you feel the same way. And so giving someone this structure to be able to live that in a way that matches their lifestyle and their goals, you know, it's really, it's really, you know, a great way to get those repetitions in without it feeling kind of forced or inauthentic.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

Because I think that structure component is wildly undervalued. Thank you for that. So, Sas, this has been such a fun conversation. I have really enjoyed chatting with you. I always get my guests to give the listeners some kind of a practice or an embodied challenge they can leave this interview with. So, what would you like to leave the listeners with today?

SPEAKER_00 23:45

I'm going to leave everyone with something a little fun and a little spicy. And I think you might agree with this or you might get down with this. I'm gonna say choose a theme song either for yourself or for your week. And choose a theme song and really write, enjoy it, embody it. And the double challenge is share it with somebody else. Share with a girlfriend, share with a partner, share with the kiddo, right? Share that, but pick a theme song for yourself. Music is so powerful, and there's so much, you know, so many good artists out there now, and really like, you know, really empowering. But I'd say pick a theme song and really own it and let yourself kind of slip into that embodied character when you hear that song and just really spend some time kind of moving as her and see if it doesn't change the way you move other times.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

I am absolutely down for this challenge. And you know, I'm gonna ask you, what is your theme song?

SPEAKER_00 24:35

Oh, it rotates through. I'm a big fan of Tom Jones, she's a lady. It's like a real, like it's like a 70s kind of like so she's a lady, and it's like she doesn't take any, she doesn't take any, you know, golf. And I don't know. I like that one. And then I like a lot of there's a lot of, you know, kind of conscious creators right now in the music space, right? But I I do listen to a lot of that kind of like high vibe dance pop, like Abel Hart or you know, Chris and T, some of those things, like the more like manifestation heavy. I really do like some of those.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

They have some good ones. And if I had to pick a theme song, it'd probably be 5D by Queen Herbie. I'm very much into like the conscious creators as well.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

So okay, good. We'll have to check that one out. I do like a lot of pre-derby.

SPEAKER_01 25:21

I'll have to check that one out. Amazing. And then when listeners want to connect with you, learn more about you, what are the best places for them to go?

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Yeah, the best place is to hang out with me on Instagram or send me a DM there. I'm sure we'll write it down below in the show notes, but it's at Sass, S-A-S-S underscore Schaefer, S-C-H-A-E-E-F-F-E-R. And that's one of the best way. Always open, love to talk to people, shoot me a question, or just come say hi.

SPEAKER_01 25:47

Perfect. And yes, links will all be in the description. So thank you so much again for being here, Sass. Thank you, Kayla. Ready to stop outsourcing your inner knowing and crack your own code? Grab my free gift, Know Your Hungers. Discover the five hidden blocks behind your food struggles, and get a customized audio care package based on your results. You're not broken, you're just misdiagnosed. Visit embodiedwriting warrior.comslash gift or click the link in the show notes.